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Dear Santa letter from “Doggy Mom”

This letter was delivered to me in an e-mail this morning. It is so funny, I thought I’d post it here. The author’s name was not listed, unfortunately.

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Dear Santa,

I’ve been a good doggy mom all year. I’ve fed, cleaned and cuddled my dogs on demand, visited the Vet’s office more than my own doctor, spend more on their shampoos and conditioners than I do for myself, and most of the time they are groomed better than I am. I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my a black marker pen on the back of a dog food receipt in the laundry room between cycles of dog bedding, and who knows when I’ll find anymore free time in the near future with puppies coming and dog shows on the he horizon.

Here are my Christmas wishes:

I’d like a pair of legs that don’t ache (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don’t hurt or flap in the breeze; but are strong enough to put my struggling dog into the tub for a bath.

I’d also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere eating dog show food and at least three show outfits and some jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools.

If you’re hauling big ticket items this year I’d like noseprint resistant windows, floors that clean themselves, and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to eat my own snacks without having to share with a pack of barking maniacs.

On the practical side, I could use a battery operated dog that is always stacked perfectly and moves to perfection on my command to boost my showing confidence, along with at least two bitches who don’t bump each other to start a fight.

I could also use a recording of The Dog Whisperer chanting “Don’t pee in the living room” and “Get off of her, she is not in heat” because my voice seems to be just out of my dog’s hearing range and can only be heard by the next door neighbors who are at least an acre away.

If it’s too late to find any of these things, I’d settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container at a dog show.

If you don’t mind, I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare a doggy lock down session? It will clear my conscience immensely when I look at those miserable little faces.

It would be helpful if you could coerce my husband and children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family because after all, this is for MY Dogs!

Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and some of my dogs saw my feet under the laundry room door. They think I am eating dinner in here again and they are missing out on leftovers.

Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the door and look down so that you don’t step into an “accident”.

I would have left cookies, but between the dogs and the cat, there is no chance that anything other than drool will be left on the plate. I left you a Hot Toddy to warm you from the cold, but after a day like this, I drank it myself.

Yours Always,
Doggy Mom

P.S. One more thing…you can cancel all my requests if you can keep my
“doggy kids” in perfect show coats so that they win at the shows

A Saturday with Raven and Other Surprises

I had noticed a suspicious vine growing in the middle of the no-dog zone weeks ago. (No-dog zone, ain’t that a laugh?) Today, a bulging cylindrical thingie caught my eye.

What’s this?

Upon closer inspection, there were multiple bulging cylindrical thingies of varying sizes attached to the suspicious vine.

A revealing closer inspection

I picked the one that most resembled a pickling cucumber, and called it that.

072-cucumber-12-08-07-copy.jpg

Meanwhile, Pippin wants what Raven’s having.

Oh yum.

Speaking of Raven…

Raven vs The Machine

She’s made a hole in the fence that keeps dogs out of the no-dog zone!

Raven’s fence debacle

She continues to foil Luigi’s genius moves.

Raven will never get my ball here!

Hey!

Raven steps in to foil Luigi’s safe-and-sound plan.

And claims his toys whenever she has an opening. She’s the Queen of Finding Openings.

All mine! (That’s what you think!)

Oliver tried to intercede on Luigi’s behalf to retrieve the ball.

Oliver’s valiant attempt to retrieve the coveted Cuz ball from Raven’s snoot.

Though Oliver’s effort was unsuccessful, Luigi appreciated the effort.

Luigi’s POV

Luigi must try again. It’s like Groundhog Day around here.

Luigi is a diehard!

Raven’s definitely in tune with another part of the Universe. Just look at the orb in this picture right over her ear. Must be the reason she can’t listen so well.

Raven’s Ear Orb

There are certain times I have a primo picture right in front of me, and all I have to do is snap. Then Raven comes along.

Raven brings her tail in

Look at the papaya tree next door.

Neighbor’s papaya tree

Closer. It’s so top heavy!

Look at all those papayas!

Mine would have been so fruitful had Raven not rammed it over months ago. How do I keep my hands from going around her neck everyday, I do not know.

Annie has that stressed-out look on her face.

Smile, Annie!

I wonder why. Must be the holidays.

Ginger’s got a grip on her ball. No way Raven or anyone else is getting her stuff!

Ginger’s possession

No freaking way!

Miss Daisy’s Driving

Today, during my lunch break, I had to stop at Walgreens before rushing home to let my babies take a bathroom break. When I pulled into the very busy parking lot, this little white car came in behind me and parked in a spot I was going to back in. I had pulled forward into a spot that was too small for me, so backed out and the little old lady from that little white car stood right outside my truck door. My window was opened, and I looked at her wondering what she was thinking of doing. She said nothing, so I pulled ahead, and she said, “Aren’t you going to help me?”

I wonder if she was telling me something telepathically before she spoke. My antennae have been down for so long, so if she were, I didn’t hear her.

I asked her in what way she needed help. She said she was lost. I asked her where she was going, and by the time I started to give her directions, there were two cars behind me, so I told her to wait while I parked.

I walked down to her car and she had a lovely German accent, and told me she was following a car that she thought was her husband’s and had been following it for so long until she realized, it wasn’t. Boy, was she ever lost! She was about 3 cities away from where she needed to be, and I explained to her several times how to get to the street she needed to start out on to get home, and I don’t know if she got it or not. I cannot imagine how she gets around. She is a very confused elderly individual. It’s not like a movie where you can fast forward to find out if she made it home OK. Now I’m left here without a clue.

When I got home at lunch, the FDSP was ready for some intense exercise before I had to go back to work, so they played

Group hug!

while I did the usual – prepare the rice for the rice cookers. I started out with one rice cooker months ago, but had to graduate to two recently. The liver and veggie soup had been slow cooking since the a.m. Ginger gets turmeric in he form of curry powder in her rice. Turmeric is one of the many herbs/vitamins I have her on now that she’s healing from cancer. Luigi cannot have turmeric regularly because he is prone to produce calcium oxalate stones in his bladder. So, I prepare the two pots of white rice differently. The good thing is that by the time I walk in the door at the end of the day, the rice pots and the crock pot is finished. Then it takes me about an hour to dole out the food, supplements, herbs, whatever medicines anyone is on, and finally we all stop and say our prayer of thanks.

That is the cutest moment because they all go silent and stop what they are doing and look at me while I say the prayer. After I finish the prayer, the room goes biserk, and I have three barkers to deal with – Annie, Bouchard, and Raven, who all go to different parts of the house for their meals. None is so hard to hush up as Raven though, who is really into eating wood these days besides dinner…especially the pieces she is tearing off my futon. Bless her soul.

Yard Sale to Benefit Saving Homeless Pets

We are having a HUMONGOUS YARD SALE Friday. Saturday and Sunday (December 7, 8, 9) at 8:00 a.m. to raise money to save more homeless pets. If you are in the Lee county area, you are invited to 951 Aqua Lane, Fort Myers, where you will find tons of household items at truly ridiculous prices! For more information, please e-mail Jude. Come join us!

Yard Sale Blimp - All Aboard!